Jokes Book

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please
don't get an erection...
but she did.


Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

After both suffering depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better!
So, I thought: "Fukc it, . . . I'll soldier on!"


I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the microphone on his foot & said "fuk me".
What happened next will haunt me forever..

bwahahahahahahahaha.......
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.....

What do you call three Greek women in a sauna?
Gorillas in the mist.

How many emos does it take to wallpaper a house?
It depends how thinly they cut themselves.

What do you call a kiwi with a sheep in one hand a woman in the other?
Bisexual.

Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

How do you circumsize a Tasmanian?
Kick his siter in the jaw.

What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

Even Gansta Jedi can't win!
https://youtu.be/HV0oPI1Nf1k

lols. @ vid

some funny jokes

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,because the only element he understood was the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

Chuck Norris was once found unconscious on the bathroom floor, 'cause no one comes at Chuck Norris with a razor.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
----------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
----------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
----------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....
----------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
----------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

^^^

LOL those were awesome

LOL .. hahaha still laughin

Lol Best Jokes ive heard in a while

lmao well done

Found these by accident while doing a little research, a few lame ones but worth a post...

Chuck Norris once defeated Darth Vader in a lightsaber duel with a golf club.

When the Emperor doesn't know how to use the Force, he asks Chuck Norris.

What most people don't know is that it wasn't Palpatine who killed Mace Windu. In fact, the Jedi Master threw himself out of the window when he sensed through the Force that Chuck Norris was coming.

Chuck Norris won the battle with General Griveous by simply roundhouse kicking all his lightsabers.

Once Darth Vader caught Chuck Norris sending out valuable information for the rebels…Vader was lucky to leave with a warning.

If you force choke Chuck Norris, your throat will ache.

Chuck Norris can blow up the Death Star.

Some Jedi Masters can walk on air…Chuck Norris can fly through land!

Chuck Norris and Darth Vader once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear a life-support outfit for the rest of his life.

Imperial prisons don't keep imperial society safe from criminals. They keep criminals safe from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris graduated from the Imperial Academy at the age of 18. Seconds.

Chuck Norris cuts lightsabers with a door.

The reason the Katana fleet has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite luxury yachts.

Chuck Norris is the reason the rebels are hiding.

When Tarkin goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once got electrocuted by Palpatine. After three hours of pain and agony, the Emperor died.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop Obi Wan Kenobi's assassination. As Darth Vader extended his lightsaber, Chuck Norris deflected the strike with his beard. Kenobi died out of sheer amazement.

Bothawui was once next to Coruscant until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way to its present location.

After much debate, the Imperials decided blow up Alderaan using the Death Star rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris over. It was more "humane".

The Naboo blockade was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Talon Karrde's organisation isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

Chuck Norris has never had an deathsticks problem. However, deathsticks have a Chuck Norris problem.

If it looks like a small asteroid, moves like a small asteroid, and has the texture of a small asteroid but Chuck Norris says it's the Death Star, then it's the Death Star.

A man walked into the doctor wrapped only in glad-wrap....

The Doctor said " Well, I can clearly see your nuts"